How’s your 2014 going? Do you feel like you’ve accomplished anything in the first 50 days of the year? Is time passing you by? Does it make you feel worse that every musician on Earth has covered Beyoncé’s “Drunk in Love” already? Does it make you feel better that there’s no way anyone has listened to every single one? Except for me, for the express purpose of telling you which ones are worth your time (smooth jazz!) and which ones should be forgotten immediately (go on vacation, Diplo, and not to Jamaica).
It’s a long road ahead. The saxophone will be our savior.
01. Rashad Maybell
Rashad Maybell is a saxophone player and prolific cover artist who updates his YouTube page multiple times a week with smooth jazz versions of major pop smashes (“Wrecking Ball”) and oldies R&B. His twist of “Drunk in Love” is a total revelation, though: as the instrumental plays, Maybell mimics Beyoncé’s vocals with his sax, riding the waves of the beat like the brass is a—well, you know. The greatest part of the original “Drunk in Love” is how improvisational Beyoncé’s verses sound, which make them perfect for someone who loves to do nothing more than to shoot rainbows out of his saxophone.
02. Katy B
When Katy B does covers, they always feel truly curated. She has spotlighted forgotten classics by artists like Kele Le Roc and Inner City, and most recently mashed up Arctic Monkeys and Ben Pearson. So, of course, her cover of “Drunk in Love” isn’t solely that; instead it grows out of her version of Tinashe’s “Vulnerable.” The pairing is intentional: “Vulnerable” is about intense lust, too, but an agitated sort where the aggression comes from frustration and not radiant marital bliss. It’s a juxtaposition, but a harmonic one, and it holds together because Katy B is the only person on this list whose voice can play on the same field as Beyoncé’s.
03. Future
Future and Ciara are the Beyoncé and Jay Z for a certain type of nerd, so something about this version just feels cosmically right. But Future is also the only major artist here who maintains the original’s spirit while still bringing a singularity that isn’t weird or gross or jarring (we’ll get to all three soon). Where Beyoncé’s vocals soar up, Future’s ripple out, but they’re both drunk in love just the same.
04. Kanye West
It’s a lot easier to stomach Kanye’s weird sex lyrics when they at least mean new Kanye music, especially if we’re talking something as mind-bending as Yeezus. But there is a version of “Drunk in Love” that exists without Kanye rapping about reverse cowgirl, so I’m probably just gonna choose that one at the end of the day. Still, there’s something to be said about the pure goofiness of Kanye’s verse: even Beyoncé’s sloppiest sex seems a bit too perfect.
05. Angel Haze
This version is exceedingly competent but, like a lot of what Angel Haze does, is also a bit labored. It does imagine “Drunk in Love” as a Glastonbury set closer, though, which is a bit of an interesting twist, and I think her backing vocalist might actually be drunk, so shoutout to her.
06. Rico Love and Plies
Rico Love is a sneakily good R&B artist whose part on this remix is straight garbage. Plies is… Plies: two bars into his verse and he’s already talking about where he wants to ejaculate. Also, he’s never been in love, so this is really “Drunk In Plies’ Neverending Porno.” I like this one though because it allows me to daydream about Beyoncé dropping her album out of nowhere, exactly the same as it is now and in the exact same way, but with Plies on “Drunk in Love” instead of Jay Z.
07. Detail
It’s easy to see what Detail, who produced the original song, was going for here. The idea of “Drunk in Love” as a blown-out movie score is sort of dastardly brilliant considering how titanic the first version already is. But the loop of Beyoncé’s wailing sounds like a pre-fitted Soundcloud prank and the final six minutes never actually accomplish what the concept threatens.
08. James Blake
This is throwback James Blake: your sultry R&B singer is now a moaning ghost. But he doesn’t seem quite invested in the idea, and so this one is jokey and forgettable.
09. The Weeknd
This is really good—as sultry and dark as the best Weeknd songs—for exactly 90 seconds, but then the beat drops (why does a beat drop?), Abel Tesfaye starts rapping and I remember that I stopped listening to the Weeknd two years ago.
10. T.I.
This isn’t last because of the sole strength of T.I.’s mere existence on a song, but GOOD GOD THE GUY WHO LITERALLY RECORDED TRAP MUZIK IS NOW DOING “TRAP MUSIC” NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. “Now don’t take this as misogyny/ When I say take this mahogany” is a hilariously stupid line, though.
11. IceJJFish
IceJJFish is some sort of meme or comedian or something? I don’t know, I’ve got 30 million other things to figure out before I die so call me when Yung Humma floats over “Drunk in Love.”
12. Diplo
I’m not convinced that the real Diplo actually did this remix. Are we sure there isn’t a beta version of the Mad Decent app that allows any bored 17-year-old to throw a whoopee cushion beat-drop into his or her favorite pop song? NOTE: If this is Diplo doing self-parody, move to number one.
∞. Karmin
“No results found for ‘karmin beyonce drunk in love cover’.” Well at least we have this.