In her online series "Sound Advice", "Saturday Night Live"'s Vanessa Bayer plays Janessa Slater, a sorrowfully overeager, obnoxious, tone-deaf, probably-emotionally-unstable "media coach" who sits down with artists and gives them (terrible) advice on how to advance their careers. She told Drake to change his name to Graham Cracka. She offered to be TV on the Radio's guest scatter. So with the latest "Sound Advice" episode, featuring Haim, now upon us, we decided to consult the faux PR guru about some of the worst-named artists currently making music, including Rave Matthews, Bowel Leakage, and Trampled by Turtles. Because if anyone can help these questionably-dubbed bands turn into global megastars (or at least embarrass them into rethinking their entire lives), it's Janessa Slater.
Swollen Members
Janessa Slater: Honestly, I'm inspired by this band. They've come really close to their goal of completely destroying rap music as a viable genre. Uncle Kracker must be rolling in his grave. He's dead, right? I should probably check on that, he's a client.
You know, a strategy I often recommend to rap singers like Swollen Members is to get into a feud with another rap singer. So maybe drop a track that "disses" someone with more street cred, like Macklemore. He seems like a safe person to get into a feud with because there is a gentleness about him. And maybe after you guys settle your beef, he and I could go on a lunch date and take things slow because I am still getting over someone.
DJ Dog Dick
JS: The worst part of this name is "DJ." When compared to DJs, dog dicks seem pretty appealing. I would prefer 10 dog dicks to one DJ, and yes, I know how that sounds. I guess my advice for DJ Dog Dick would be to sell his two turntables and a microphone, and use the money to enroll in one of those tech schools that advertises on the subway. A lot of people in those ads look like DJs who finally got their shit together.
Rave Matthews
JS: I think you guys CRASHED into something, all right! And it's the wrong career. Get it? Like the song "Crash" by (one of my fave bands) Dave Matthews!! But seriously your music is unlistenable.
Truman Peyote
JS: When I first saw this name I thought it was my improv team from college, but we were called Martin Burger King. See? You get it. Anyway, I guess this is "punk music," so I won't comment on how it sounds like a rabid possum being wrestled into a hobo's cooking pot, because that's apparently the point. My advice? Keep doing what you're doing because you obviously don't care how your lives turn out.
Cool Nutz
JS: I think I've heard that name before, oh wait, it was IN SEVENTH GRADE STUDY HALL!! Grow up and get some real nuts! And take a spelling clazz you nut-jobs! Oh my gosh I am really on a roll with you guys.
Bowel Leakage
JS: Really? That's the name you chose? FYI, it's pretty offensive to those of us who really bought into the WOW Olestra chips craze in the early 2000s. Also do you know if they're still selling those? Because I can't get a straight answer at Wegmans.
Diarrhea Planet
JS: In some ways, this is worse than actual diarrhea. At least you can take Imodium to prevent that, a helpful tip I wish I had learned before my eHarmony date at that IndoMex fusion restaurant, Ghanditos. After listening to this band, I think "Diarrhea Planet" is actually too sophisticated of a name. Maybe they could go with something more fitting, like an armpit fart? Like the name would just be the sound of someone simulating a fart with a cupped hand and their fat sweaty arm?
Trampled by Turtles
JS: Uncool name, guys. This actually happened to a small, slow friend of mine. She got very hooked on pain pills after her extensive reconstructive surgery and most of the time she felt like your music sounds—detached, lonely, and like complete garbage. Also, full disclosure: I'm the friend in that story. And I guess they weren't turtles so much as tires. Safety tip: Look both ways before you pass out in the bus lane.
Pity Sex
JS: I'm sorry, is there something wrong with Pity Sex? Anywho, apparently this band recently got upset that a fan jumped onstage and kissed one of the members. Boy, can I relate! I actually did this to Rick Springfield a few years ago and I'm still not allowed to go to any of his shows! But seriously, Rick, you looked great on "General Hospital" last year and if you're reading this let me know who Jessie's girl is because I will find her and make sure you get the street justice that you deserve.
Vaginal Mustard
JS: Oh, you think you can shock me with this name?? Sorry dummies, I had a very complicated yeast infection in the '90s and I used this exact term to describe how it felt. So I guess the joke's on you! Haha!