With the release of his book The Sick Bag Song this week, Nick Cave enters the rarified air of artists who’ve charged exorbitant prices for inexplicable merch. True to its name, the book includes a real airline bile sack mussed over with Cage’s errant jots and doodles, along with two white vinyl records, for the cool price of £750 ($1,153). (However, as the website crows, the bag is "fully functional.")
Cave still has miles to go before he can challenge the cash-grab theatrics of his rock predecessors, though. Test your knowledge of other near-farcical band wares below.
(Note: We tried to find female artists peddling pricey oddball wares and, aside from a dubious Lady Gaga bluetooth headset that raises as many issues as it solves, came up empty. A timely reminder that it’s really the men getting that coin.)
1. Bored of their ritualistic onstage slaughter of Sarah Palin, which punny commodity did GWAR invent and promptly shill on their site?
a) a solitaire ring with a rhodium-plated silver band and "GWAR-tz" semiprecious stone (errant iron shrapnel from the blood cannon) ($149.99)
b) a terrifyingly murky bottle of "GWAR-BQ" sauce (currently sold out)
c) a leatherbound edition of GWAR and Peace with two pages, one for each boob ($65)
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2. The Pixies aren’t too punk to get that scratch. What did some Doolittle fans shut up and give their money for?
a) a yellow and black cycling jersey, ideal for booking away from Kim Deal whenever she gives you lip ($114.97)
b) a rebranded Wooly Willy magnetic drawing toy (post-Black Francis’ successful copyright infringement suit) ($1.98)
c) a surfboard that was promptly stolen by Kurt Cobain ($395.47)
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3. Which alluring prize has Deadmau5 hocked?
a) glow-in-the-dark HPV vaccines ($15 with copay)
b) 30 minutes to chase him freely inside a giant hedge maze in a grotesquely hyperbolic embodiment of BF Skinner operant conditioning ($915)
c) Headphones for cats because no, fuck you ($1000)
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4. The Rolling Stones have a bridge to sell you, and it creaks with every step. Besides that, which branded athletic item are they pushing?
a) a polyester teal soccer kit guaranteed to attract all David Bowies within 80 meters ($84)
b) men’s skis with iconic tongue and lips logo placed to perfectly masticate all bunny slopes ($349)
c) a shuffleboard puck once personally spat on by Keith Richards ($118)
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5. After releasing a porn-laden music video for their single "Pussy", which product did Rammstein hawk?
a) a Rickenbacker bass guitar embedded with singer Till Lindermann's three least favorite teeth ($2,859)
b) Sechs tausend sechshundert und sechsundsechzig kugelschriebers (6,666 ballpoint pens) ($6,145)
c) a handsomely appointed metal boxset with half a dozen dildos molded off each band member’s anatomy ($friendship is priceless)
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6. Which official Metallica game should you reach for after the psilocybins kick in?
a) Metallica Monopoly (street rules: players must provide itemized receipts of iPod playlists or spend entire game in jail) ($168.33)
b) loUno (of which Lou Reed has since disavowed knowledge; there are no skip cards) ($46.18)
c) Hungry Hungry Hetfield (a dartboard pasted with photo of the singer eating a chalupa) (currently sold out)
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7. The KISScoffin lives in lore, but they were just getting started, friend-o. What else has Rivers Cuomo cashed in his 401k on?
a) a three-foot-tall, 50-pound, hand-stitched book of photography ($4,250)
b) an seven-foot-tall plastic slide modeled after Gene Simmons’ tongue (not for children) ($612.45)
c) a 40-minute tour of the landfill outside Peoria, Illinois comprised exclusively of KISS-branded bric-a-brac ($38.99)
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8. Which option soothes the Flaming Lips’ capitalistic pangs?
a) a pallet of Funyuns (delivered inside larger, plastic Funyun) ($55.90)
b) a silver, trembling, fetus-shaped Christmas ornament ($40)
c) the knowledge that, somewhere, Wayne Coyne is smiling beatifically upon you while he purchases a smart white-linen pantsuit ($all mortal woes)
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