A few weeks ago I had to wake up at an ungodly hour for a flight to a gig in London, and due to lack of sleep I was struck by the same sense of anxiety that I used to feel almost every single day, for years. It was a feeling of deep dread, of not wanting to face the world, a wish to curl up in a ball and ignore the day ahead. Feeling this again made me reflect and consider my own experience as an artist who has battled depression and anxiety. I now look back on this dark period in my life as more than merely that; while I withdrew from society, I went into an inner world that fomented my development as an artist and musician. However it is very hard to see the forest for the trees when you're going through it—it's only on reflection that I can look back and see how it may have benefited me.
Depression dominated my late teens and early twenties, which became so bad I was agoraphobic and refused to leave the house. At the time, I was in music school and completely disillusioned with the studies, and had no interest in playing guitar anymore, which had been my main instrument since I was six. I delved into the world of computer-based recording and found a great deal of satisfaction by doing away with any "real" instruments and going completely electronic. I quit going to classes and stopped being around friends and flatmates. I eventually quit school and moved back to my home town and back to my parents' home, in order to avoid joining the real world. This bleak depression ended up taking over my life for almost 5 years, and during that time I became almost totally reclusive, withdrawn from society.
Ironically, in the end, it was music which brought me out of the state and made me face my what shape I was in. I was making a lot of music during those reclusive years, and finally I sent some of my songs to Rush Hour in the Netherlands. They liked what they heard and I released two albums with them in 2011 and as a direct result, I played my first show in London that same year. This was a huge moment for me as it not only brought me out of the cave I had built around me, but it made me confront many of the things that I was pushing to the back of my mind—persistent feelings of unworthiness, self-consciousness, and many distorted thoughts that had manifested as "real" the more time I had spent alone. Doing this first show wasn’t easy, to say the least, and I owe a great deal to the promoters who took me out of my isolation and showed me that there were people who wanted to hear what I was doing, people who appreciated the music I was making. I doubt I would have gotten myself out of this cycle if I wasn't being booked for shows, but it all drew me out and into the world. Eventually, I was able to support myself doing what I loved to do which previously I hadn't thought possible.
Since then, I moved to London, and then onto Berlin and have continued to do music full time which hasn't been easy, but I wouldn't change the last few years of being part of the world and in a creative community. Even if I am operating from the fringes of it—the scene I am involved in is open and accepting to all types to people, and I am welcomed here. Still, there is more to be done, as a greater music scene and in creative culture, in terms of awareness of depression and moreover, in helping people who battle anxiety and depression to know that it is okay to feel and be this way. It may be completely necessary in their own development as people, that it is sometimes part of what makes us the artists. There also need to be greater understanding--and no judgement--for those artists that shun the limelight.
I am thankful for my depression—ultimately, it is what brought me back to creativity and true self-expression. Without it I wouldn’t be doing music at all, or I may have followed a path that wasn't representative of my creativity. I was depressed for a reason—at that point in my life it was probably necessary to withdraw and go within myself. It is what allowed me to find something worthwhile to give back to the world.
Ben Thomas is a producer who records under the name BNJMN. You can find him on Twitter @_bnjmn.