Photo by Vaughn Ridley/Getty Images
At Friday’s NBA All-Star Celebrity Game, not even a late appearance by five-time MVP Kevin Hart could spur a Globetrotters-style comeback for team USA. With home field advantage for coach Drake and Arcade Fire frontman (and long-thirsting MVP wannabe) Win Butler, team Canada started from the bottom… and well, you know the rest. With an “official” line of 15 points and 14 boards, new MVP Butler dominated the game.
Butler’s stats are eye-popping numbers for sure, but the fact remains that most of those rebounds came after he missed multiple bunnies—not to mention that any time he got even the slightest amount of space, he hollered for the ball, just like he did last year. So, like last year, Pitchfork will be reviewing the tape and breaking down his MVP performance, which to this scout, wasn’t so valuable.
Armed with a blunt willingness to ignore the light spirit of the celeb showdown, Butler showcased the kind of aggressive game for which he’s earned quite the reputation. He didn’t wear Yeezys this year, but he did rock parakeet yellow Kobe 10 high tops that make no goddamn sense to wear in this context.
A side note before I start: How much does it suck, for her league and possibly for her own hopes to have fun, that WNBA MVP Elena Della Donne has to play in this game? Della Donne is a generational talent who is also a great person, and she’s spending her All-Star weekend going toe-to-toe with Merge Record’s answer to Kelly Olynyk. Ugh.
The Game
The first clip I want to talk about features a backdown and dish from Butler. This is probably the last time he’s going to pass in the game, and it happens about two seconds after he checked in.
Here’s Butler calling for the ball a casual 70 feet away from the basket:
Though Butler is bigger and more familiar with the game than many of the contestants, which ranged from former NBA players like Tracy McGrady to the fucking Property Brothers, his defense was still, in a word, sus. Granted, the attacking player here is Jason Sudeikis, who ripped cords with threes for the U.S. team while employing some of that vintage me-first, Shawnee Mission West hogball, but Butler gets eaten up by this screen.
He made up for it, though, by assaulting an old man:
I’d like to focus now on the offense game that Butler was so desperate to flaunt. A big part of this is Win’s post game, which to me resembled the slow, deliberate movements of an antique construction crane. That thing belongs in a museum, Win!
As he’ll remind you at every goddamned opportunity, Butler is originally from Houston and grew up during the time the Rockets won two straight titles in a barren, Jordan-depleted NBA. Here’s Win’s attempt at the Dream Shake, Hakeem Olajuwan’s signature move, which I have to assume the Dream is in the early stages of disowning after this.
Caption: Can I get some non-gluten, salted fauxtato wafers with that lame excuse for a shake?
This is a nice lefty finish, NGL.
And back to our regular programming. Here’s Butler missing three straight layups from a foot and collecting a few of his own misses. This is either a display of bad form, or the most egregious attempt at numbers-gunning since Ricky Davis.
BONUS: Drake goober face is a must.
Final Conclusions
Despite all the callouts against Butler's game that I’ve made in this venerable space over the years, I can’t take the MVP hardware away from him. Forget the fact that he went, by my count, 4 of 14 from the field, cherry-picked multiple times, and committed slappy fouls only to whine anytime he was barely even touched, as if he was LeBron during crunch time in a home game.
I believe Win Butler went to the line six times and shot the technical after Andre Drummond briefly intervened in the game. Six free throws in a celeb game! Having to flail around enough to get to the line six times amidst a vanity game where everyone is just trying to make it through is an accomplishment. You’re the real MVP, Winnie.
It wouldn’t be a full-slate of Butlery if it didn’t get overtly political at some point, though. Luckily, he saved that cherry for the closing moments. Take it away, Win:
Win receives his MVP. It was all good here with ESPN. It was all 'respect to @Drake' and stuff. pic.twitter.com/LSKMxlWB7I
— Arcade Fire tube (@ArcadeFiretube) February 13, 2016