This week, the Lonely Island return with Popstar, a feature-length mockumentary that puts a fun-house mirror in front of modern music stardom—with all its Snapchat pandering, messianic complexes, and scripted romances—and basks in the reflected ridiculousness. If heavy metal had This Is Spinal Tap, and gangsta rap had CB4, today’s on-brand, hip-hop-indebted chart pap has Popstar; every era gets the musical send-up it deserves.
In the film, Andy Samberg, Akiva Schaffer, and Jorma Taccone start off their career as a New Kids on the Block-type boy band called the Style Boys before Samberg’s character breaks out as the solo sensation Conner4Real, who’s kind of like an even more knuckleheaded Justin Bieber. So, in the spirit of their heartthrob inspirations, we decided to throw some vintage Tiger Beat questions at the crew as they sat in a very fancy hotel room overlooking Central Park in New York City during a recent press junket. They seemed reasonably amused by the prospect, and even tried to adhere to a few stereotypical boy-band roles for the occasion.
What word in the English language do you wish you had invented?
Akiva Schaffer: “Love.” I’m the romantic one.
Andy Samberg: Uh…
Schaffer: He’ll probably say “snacks” because he’s the chubby one that the interesting girls always choose.
Samberg: “Snacks.”
Jorma Taccone: And now I’m the nerd?
Schaffer: You should be the jock.
Taccone: Oh, OK. “Touchdown.”
If you were being chased by zombies, who would be the first to run?
Schaffer: I’d try to teach them about world peace and change their minds.
Samberg: I’d be too slow and just get eaten and become a zombie—if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em!
Taccone: I’d be the fastest and survive the longest.
What animal best describes the type of girl you’d be interested in?
Schaffer: Panda.
Samberg: Tiger.
Taccone: Sloth, because I want her to take her time.
What in nature symbolizes love to you?
Schaffer: I’m gonna be controversial here and go with a long-stemmed rose.
Samberg: Two polar bears boning each other.
Taccone: A rainstorm—because there’s always a rainbow afterwards.
What does a romantic evening look like to you?
Schaffer: Some sort of animal rug, roaring fire, rose petals, a lot of eskimo and butterfly kisses, a lot of Klondike bars, Jodeci, edible undies, a French tickler, some of E-40’s Slurricane cocktail, and I like to wear the underwear that makes it look like a little elephant trunk.
If you could change your name what would you change it to?
Schaffer: Zack Morris.
Samberg: Vector.
Taccone: McDuck.
Describe how you kiss in one word.
Schaffer: “Teeth.”
Samberg: “Poorly.”
Taccone: I never kiss.
Has your type changed now that you’re famous?
Schaffer: Yeah, I used to be less discerning, but now I only go for nines or better. My girl look like Kylie Jenner, but my ex-girl look like Lindsay Lo.
Samberg: My type hasn’t changed. I’m still down-to-earth.
Taccone: My type has changed from a girl I’m dating to a girl I’m now married to, so I guess I’m more into married women now.
What is the first quote that comes to your mind?
Schaffer: “If you like piña coladas …”
Samberg: “Four score and seven minutes ago, we were brought forth upon a most excellent adventure by our new friends, Bill and Ted. Be excellent to each other. And party on, dudes!”
Taccone: A friend of mine once said, “The world is filled with goats, a horse is just a tiny goat.”
What dangerous thing would you like to try?
Samberg: Skydiving.
Taccone: Oh, I’ve done it.
Samberg: Now I don’t want to. I take that back.
What in the world do you least desire?
Schaffer: War.
Samberg: [a split-second later] War—dammit, he took mine.
Taccone: Just put that we all simultaneously said “war.”